Past the Point of No Return

Hello Butterflies. I am writing to you from my New York home. I figured it would be time to tell you what has been going on with my life.

I had been dealing with sporadic jaw pain since about the beginning of the year. I'm not usually one to flee to the doctor immediately upon a problem so I didn't know why or what was happening. I guess I learned that from my family: ignore it and it will go away, a reckless and very risky way to live. The night of April 30th into May 1st, I was packing things into a box, leaning downward as I packed, and suddenly, something on the left side of my face felt like it popped. I was sent into the most unbearable and mind-crushing pain I've ever experienced. I drove myself to the ER, they gave me several X-rays, and after hours of pain, they told me in the morning that I had a mass in the left side of my face which could either be a buildup of blood, or a tumor. They gave me a referral to a different hospital that specializes more in that field and sent me on my way with meds.

If any of you have been through or have family that has been through the medical process, it takes forever. There is a lot of waiting involved: on the phone, for the appointment, in the waiting room, for the results... It's a very unsettling, anxiety filled period of time, especially as it concerns one's health. And on top of that, to go through this process during Coronavirus, where we are all isolated and already feeling negativity and anxiety... I needed something happy and positive to happen, something to fill my time (other than working on the new album which was almost finished at that point), and something to inspire me to perform again. Thus, Longest Summer Live was born. My fans loved the performance and critics cited it as one of my greatest vocal triumphs, that I'm extremely proud of. But I'm not blind to the comments and I noticed quite a lot of people commenting on me looking a bit lackluster and 'dead inside'. At first, it hurt my feelings, but what I do know is that your outside appearance displays a lot of how you feel on the inside. At that time, I was scared, I was stressed, and I was mentally struggling, badly. I guess those feelings transferred to how I looked, but I'm glad I was able to accomplish my goal of having that installment come to life and having my hard work pay off.

Three days after Longest Summer Live premiered, I was told by my doctor that the mass in my face is a tumor and it is malignant. They determined after multiple MRI's and PET scan's that it is a synovial sarcoma, a cancer that forms in soft tissue. At first, they planned for me to immediately have surgery, to try to drop off the tumor. Another MRI determined that the tumor was growing. A team of specialists decided that I would be receiving rounds of chemotherapy before my surgery, then radiation would follow. I have completed my first round of chemo a few weeks ago and I will be going back to the hospital today for the second round.

At first, I didn't really want anyone to know these details, because at first, I thought this validated the horrible thoughts in my mind that it was my time to go. My personal life has been going in a downward spiral the last few years, and the news of this felt like I've finally hit rock bottom. But I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave my family. I don't want to leave my friends. And I don't want to leave all of you. I don't want to cause anyone pain. I've been in pain for years, and it looks like I'll be facing more pain to get better. But I will get better. I will look back at this and know that I did it. I will look back at this and know that it would be the most horrible experience, but an enlightening one. I will look back at this and know that I could only do it because you are all beside me.

During these troublesome months, I've completed my 22nd album. I reunited with the amazing, amazing Harrison Mills & Clayton Knight, also known as ODESZA, of whom I worked with for the Empress album, as well as the extremely talented Thomas Stell, also known as Golden Features. Getting to know and working with Thom has been such a blessing, the guy truly is an absolute mastermind. The final track is a collaboration with Orlando Higginbottom, also known as Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs. This track was the last one made for the album and has not only a powerful message but the music is incredibly powerful and changed my life. I am so enormously proud of the work we have all done for this project and am so grateful these guys poured their soul into it for me. For Album 22, I wrote about things I never thought I would write about. I wrote about the need to challenge personal struggles, both internal and external. I wrote about recognizing my own battles were merely microcosms of the surrounding world. The hope was to craft a body of work that was reflective of the duality of lightness and darkness inherent to the human condition.

Making this album has been such a rollercoaster of a journey, more so than any other album before it, but something that I needed to be created. It's called Light as the Sky, Dark as the Night. I was inspired by the film Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs for the imagery of the album. In the photo shoot, I dressed up as my own versions of Snow White and the Evil Queen because the duality of good (light) and evil (dark) I feel are both inside of me. The lead single I want to release to you, after finally letting you know what my situation is, is a song called Survive the Poisoned Apple. I feel like life has forced me to eat a poisoned apple, but instead of dying, I'm fighting to survive it. That song will release tomorrow & the album will release Monday, 11/2 on Butterfly Records. Butterfly Records will be premiering the song early at 12pm Noon EST today on the Butterfly Zoo, my official forum, for my dedicated Butterflies to stream ahead of release. Physical singles & album pre-orders coming soon.

I love you. We will get through this.

x

O